Remember the I’m bored today giveaway? Sorry for taking so long to get this out. I will be sending in the email addresses of the winners to JC Designs today. Winners you should be hearing from JC soon. Otherwise better luck next time.
And the winners: (Just for a good laugh)
Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, ‘Make the entire ocean Guinness beer!’ The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into rich, black porter. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness, as the two men considered their predicament. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick, whose wish had obviously been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he blurted, ‘Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!’
A Professional Gambler
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.
The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.
“Like what?” asked the bartender.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.
“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” exclaims Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
The Farmer’s Daughters
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, “I’m Eddie and I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”
“No,” the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, “I’m Joe and I’m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?”
“No,” the farmer barked.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer: “Hello, my name is Chuck-”
The farmer shot Chuck.
The value of a
Catholic education and a #2 pencil
Little Susie was not the best student
in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was
“Tell me Susie, who created the universe?”
When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Susie.
The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
“Jesus Christ!!!” shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Susie fell back
The Nun asked her a third question…”What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and
shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll
break it in half!”
The nun fainted…………