A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, “I’m Eddie and I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”

“No,” the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, “I’m Joe and I’m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?”

“No,” the farmer barked.

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer: “Hello, my name is Chuck-”

The farmer shot Chuck.

I will add one myself. Don’t take this as my political opinion. I truly do not have one:

Bill Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Democrat puppies, Mr. President.” Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings Hillary to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Republican puppies.” The president looks puzzled and says, “Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies.” The man smiles and says, “Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” exclaims Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?” The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1586 sheep.” “That is correct; take one of the sheep.” said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundles it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: ” If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?” “OK, why not.” answered the young man. “Clearly, you are a consultant.” said the shepherd. “That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?” ” Well” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my business.

Now give me back my dog.”

NOC NOC

Who’s there?

………………

The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.

“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.

The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”

“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.

“Like what?” asked the bartender.

“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.

The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.

“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”

Who are you voting for, your Mama or Obama?

Little Susie was not the best student
in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day
her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was
sleeping.

“Tell me Susie, who created the universe?”

When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Susie.

The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”

But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

“Jesus Christ!!!” shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Susie fell back
asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…”What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and
shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll
break it in half!”

The nun fainted…………