14 Comments to “Giveaway!!! Top 5 Submitted Jokes Win A Hot Theme!”

1. 

   Posted by: Phillip Stewart

   February 6, 2008 at 3:23 pm EST

   The value of a
   Catholic education and a #2 pencil

   Little Susie was not the best student
   in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

   One day
   her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was
   sleeping.

   “Tell me Susie, who created the universe?”

   When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
   behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

   “God Almighty!” shouted Susie.

   The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class.

   A little later the Nun asked Susie, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”

   But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
   her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

   “Jesus Christ!!!” shouted Susie.

   And the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Susie fell back
   asleep.

   The Nun asked her a third question…”What did Eve say to
   Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

   Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and
   shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll
   break it in half!”

   The nun fainted…………
2. 

   Posted by: Eddy

   February 6, 2008 at 4:52 pm EST

   What’s the most asked question to Chelsea Clinton?

   Who are you voting for, your Mama or Obama?
3. 

   Posted by: BerryZilla

   February 6, 2008 at 8:11 pm EST

   Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, ‘Make the entire ocean Guinness beer!’ The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into rich, black porter. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness, as the two men considered their predicament. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick, whose wish had obviously been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he blurted, ‘Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!’
4. 

   Posted by: Bla1ze

   February 7, 2008 at 1:01 am EST

   A Professional Gambler
   During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”

   The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”

   The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.

   “I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.

   The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”

   “Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.

   “Like what?” asked the bartender.

   “Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.

   The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.

   So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

   “I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.

   The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

   “Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.

   “That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.

   With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”

   The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.

   The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

   The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”

   The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
5. 

   Posted by: Bla1ze

   February 7, 2008 at 1:14 am EST

   OK, This one only a select few people may get…just think blackberry outages…If you dont get it, google RIM NOC lol

   NOC NOC

   Who’s there?

   ………………
6. 

   Posted by: Bla1ze

   February 7, 2008 at 1:14 am EST

   The Shepherd and the Yuppie

   A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?” The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”

   The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1586 sheep.” “That is correct; take one of the sheep.” said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundles it into his car.

   Then the shepherd says: ” If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?” “OK, why not.” answered the young man. “Clearly, you are a consultant.” said the shepherd. “That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?” ” Well” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my business.

   Now give me back my dog.”
7. 

   Posted by: BerryZilla

   February 7, 2008 at 5:37 am EST

   A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all its navigation and communications equipment. With all the clouds and haze, the pilot couldn’t determine his position or how to get to the airport. But he saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it up. The sign read, “WHERE AM I?”People in the building quickly responded with their own sign: “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, plotted the course to the airport and landed safely. On the ground, the co-pilot asked him how their sign helped determine the helicopter’s position.”I knew that had to be the Microsoft building,” the pilot said, “because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.”
8. 

   Posted by: Luciano

   February 7, 2008 at 6:13 am EST

   “Nobody reads books anymore.” (canned laughter)
   .
   Sorry, held it in for hours. Couldn’t resist eventually.
9. 

   Posted by: BerryZilla

   February 7, 2008 at 4:07 pm EST

   What do you get when you eat a Blackberry? A BlueTooth.
10. 

    Posted by: mrmako777

    February 7, 2008 at 11:10 pm EST

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

    “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” exclaims Watson.

    “And what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson ponders for a minute.

    “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

    Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
11. 

    Posted by: Ronen Halevy

    February 7, 2008 at 11:20 pm EST

    Got quite a few laughs so far. I loved the guinness and professional gambler ones.

    I will add one myself. Don’t take this as my political opinion. I truly do not have one:

    Bill Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Democrat puppies, Mr. President.” Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings Hillary to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Republican puppies.” The president looks puzzled and says, “Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies.” The man smiles and says, “Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!”
12. 

    Posted by: mje5270

    February 9, 2008 at 1:28 pm EST

    The Farmer’s Daughters

    A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, “I’m Eddie and I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”

    “No,” the farmer said.

    The second beau came to the door and said, “I’m Joe and I’m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?”

    “No,” the farmer barked.

    The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer: “Hello, my name is Chuck-”

    The farmer shot Chuck.
13. 

    Posted by: Ronen Halevy

    February 15, 2008 at 1:13 pm EST

    Winners announced. Expect to be contacted soon
    http://www.berryreview.com/2008/02/15/iberry-blocks-custom-l-giveaway-winners/